I think heartbreak is one of the hardest to deal with; I’ve dealt with it in many forms, and the one thing I’ve learned is that it gets harder —the more open my heart has become, the more I feel the loss of someone I love. I’ve allowed for my heart to open in the process of multiple heart breaks, and although it has been tough to go through, each has been more enlightening than the last.
The first heartbreak I had ever really experienced came at the ripe age of 19, when my Father shared he would no longer be in contact with me or my brother; he was choosing his new family and no longer wanted to hear from me. Since then, we spoke once when I was 22. Each year I’ve always somewhat dreaded my birthday because in my heart I’ve known it would always be just another year gone by that I wouldn’t hear from my Dad. People have told me I should reach out, people have told me, “It shouldn’t be this way, Sara.” What they don’t understand is there is nothing I can do. If my Dad wanted me in his life, he would say so. This was his choice. I can’t undo someone else’s decision. There have only been a few people I’ve ever shared my story with, but now, it feels very freeing to let the world know (or whoever reads this).
Needless to say, this experience has been very eye-opening, looking back. I carried this one harmful belief for many, many years: “My Dad doesn’t think I am worth loving after all.” I went through a lot of life experiences that showed me this had been my belief, and that having that as a belief was very disempowering and very hurtful for a young girl discovering love in a new world of romantic partnerships. This belief showed up in my relationships, friendships and more. It looked like: “I am not worth your love because I am not worthy of my Dad’s love.” In the past year I’ve discovered that what my Dad did was all about him, and really had nothing to do with me. I now hold the belief that I was born worthy of love—the greatest kind of love. I have also seen that I can give way more than I had ever thought possible: to romantic relationships, to friendships and even working-relationships. I never knew I was so capable.
If there was one thing I wish I could tell my Dad, it’s that I forgive him. I know it was never about me not being lovable, and despite some hard lessons I’ve experienced in relationships, I am actually very thankful because it has made me such a strong woman. I know how to be alone, how to fight for my strength, and how to love anyway— despite loss or the possibility of it. These experiences of loss have helped me to understand raw, authentic love and joy. For that I am eternally grateful.
This past year, I’ve astounded myself with how much I could give. During year 27 of my life I discovered how badly I actually do want to be a parent someday (I once never thought I would want kids). However, I know now that I am capable of loving unconditionally. I know now, that those “Five Languages of Love” …I speak them all, fluently. Whatever your love language, I will figure it out and love you so hard in it, and then make sure I still hit all the other ones anyway. It’s been such a beautiful unfolding of love I’ve experienced; both in giving love to myself and to a partner. I believe one of the most important things we can teach ourselves and each other is how to love ourselves best so we can love others better. This is why I want to be a Mom, I would love to give this understanding of love to a piece of my own flesh. And then I would love to see that human become a human capable of loving how I taught it to. I think that would be the most glorious, rewarding experience ever.
Those are someday hopes, but in my present moment it’s hard to imagine that. It’s been a hard couple of months for me as my romantic relationship has come to an end, and despite everything, I still care for him. This was the first person that came along and I thought, “I think I’ll fall harder than ever.” I knowingly decided that, so I knowingly did. We both learned a lot in the relationship, and I’ll be forever grateful for all that he has shown me. Even though my heart is in pain, I still feel like the fairytale is possible.
Last night I looked up at the stars with eyes full of tears and my heart full of hope. For about an hour I watched the stars blur in the dark sky behind salty water. I thought of all the couples I’ve met who have found each other in the most bizarre ways; I thought all about how they even look alike sometimes or if they don’t—they resemble each other in so many ways. At this point in my life, my heart knows I’m ready to be with that person. When I looked at the stars last night, I wondered if maybe he’s ready for me too.